


Putting the Bi in FBI

by MediumSizedEvil



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Jake Peralta, F/M, Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2020-01-11 00:32:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 10,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18419117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MediumSizedEvil/pseuds/MediumSizedEvil
Summary: “Hello, this is Sergeant Jake Peralta of the NYPD Major Crimes Division. I'm calling about Susie Pinkerton's crayons.”After applying for a job at the FBI Jake has to confront some hard truths.





	1. The Case of the Crayons

Jake looked over at Amy doing a crossword puzzle next to him in bed. “Hey, do you remember that guy Dave from the FBI that I worked on a joint case with?”

She looked up. “Yeah. He was a pain in the ass, right?”

Jake shook his head. “No, not really. I just assumed he'd be a dick, and when I got to know him better I didn't say anything because I didn't want to make Charles feel bad.”

Amy nodded. “So, what about him?”

“He called me today, out of the blue. Said a guy in his team was up for retirement soon, and he wanted to know if I'd be interested.”

“Ok, wow.” Amy put down the newspaper.

“He said he'd put in a good word for me with his boss.”

“Organized Crime?”

“Yeah. Pretty dope, right?”

“Totally. So what did you say?”

“I told him I'd think about it. I don't know, I love Major Crimes. The team is great.” He absently rubbed his neck. “Although I guess I've been feeling a bit stuck in a rut lately. But then I don't really know what else I should be doing. Terry keeps pushing me to take the Lieutenant's exam but I don't really see myself climbing the ladder like you. No offense, Captain.”

“None taken, Sarge.”

“And Rosa is always bugging me to join the SWAT Team. I get why she loves it, but I really want to work cases.”

“So, the Feds?”

He sighed. “The thing is, I've always thought I'd be with the NYPD my whole life. It's all I ever wanted.”

“Yeah, I understand.” Amy squeezed his arm. “But there's lots of cool movies about the FBI too. Like The Silence of the Lambs.”

“And Donnie Brasco,” Jake supplied. “Face/Off. Point Break. Men in Black. Hey, maybe you should study Forensic Anthropology and we could be a cool team like Bones.”

Amy considered it. “Mmmm, lab coats.”

Jake smiled. “Full disclosure, I think Booth is kinda hot.”

“Agreed. That is a fine piece of ass.”

“And Angela,” he added. “Oh and Cam. She's a little bitchy.”

Amy nodded sagely. “I will file that for future reference.”

“Blue tab?”

“Damn right.” She smiled smugly to herself and yawned. “So, what are you going to do about the job?”

“I don't know. Maybe I should just go for the interview and see where it goes?”

“Smort plan.” Amy adjusted her pillow and snuggled under the covers.

“Special Agent Jake Peralta,” he mused. “Special Agent Peralta. Jake Peralta, FBI Special Agent. On Her Majesty's secret service. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

“Please go to sleep.”

He suddenly sat up. “What if everyone in the Royal Family had died except you, and only Rex Buckingham could protect you?”

  


Jake was sweating in his suit opposite three FBI agents. The middle one, Ferguson, was thumbing a folder thicker than his fist and staring at him in an unnerving manner. “So would you say you have a problem with authority?”

“Me? No, of course not,” Jake replied with forced levity. “I'm married.”

Ferguson frowned, and after looking for a nod from the man on his left he took a piece of paper from his stack and moved it across the table towards Jake.

“And what would...” He checked his notes. “...Captain Santiago say if she saw this?”

Jake looked at the paper. It was a grainy still of security footage from a hotel elevator. In it two men were kissing. And one of them was him. His blood ran cold. “What? How...?”

“Just answer the question, 'Roy'. What would Mrs. Peralta say?”

He tried to fight down his panic and put his hands on the table. He slowly looked up. “She knows, alright. She knows. And she's ok with it.”

“So you're just staying together for the children?”

He did his best to stay calm. “No, it's not like that,” he said, exasperated. “We love each other. And she accepts me for who I am.”

“Then why the secrecy? Why not come out with it?” He stared down at Jake. “Are you a coward?”

He took a deep breath and struggled to gather his thoughts. “Look, it's not just about me, is it?” he managed at last. “People jump to conclusions. Like you just did. You immediately assumed that I don't love my wife, and our marriage is a sham. How do you think that would make her feel?”

Ferguson didn't reply. He scribbled some notes in the margin and then slowly turned the page. He looked up at Jake. “So did you enjoy your time in prison?”

  


“How did it go?” Amy asked excitedly, grabbbing his arm. 

Jake sighed. “It was less like a job interview and more like a giant mindfuck.”

Amy squeezed his arm sympathetically. “Did they give you a hard time about Windbreaker City?”

He smiled. “Hmm no, I think they were secretly quite impressed.” He took a deep breath. “No, they gave me a hard time about banging dudes.”

“What? How...?”

He shrugged. “The FBI knows _everything_. I'm surprised they didn't bring up Susie Pinkerton's crayons in third grade. I did _not_ steal them, for the record.”

“I believe you.”

He suddenly spun around. “Oh God, it was...Eddie Fung! The bastard! I finally cracked it, after all these years. This is massive. I've got to call Mrs. Meyer.”

“Jake, the interview?”

“Oh right,” he said, putting down his phone. “Well, they asked me lots of questions about Doug Judy,” Jake continued. “Hey, do you think 'criminals are people too' is a smart thing to say to the FBI?”

“Uh, no?”

“Ok, good thing I didn't. Oh, and my old handler from the Ianucci case showed up, he's a cool guy.”

“So how do you think it went, overall?”

“Honestly I have no idea. They'll let me know in three days.” He took out his phone. “Now if you'll excuse me, I have a very important call to make.”

  


“So what did they say?” Amy asked.

Jake leaned back against the kitchen counter. “They said they really want to offer me the job, but...” He added air quotes, “that my current personal situation makes me susceptible to blackmail.”

“Crap.”

“Yeah I hate it, cause it's true.” He frowned. “They're giving me ten days to _reconsider_.” 

“Oh, so they're basically blackmailing you into coming out?” she asked indignantly.

He pulled her close for a hug. “Just forget about the stupid job, alright? I'd never do that to you.”

“To me? What do you mean?”

He looked at her earnestly. “I don't want people to think that you're not enough for me.”

She took his face in her hands. “I know that's not true. And I shouldn't care what other people think.” She took a deep breath. “I'll support your decision, whatever it is.”

He hugged her tight and kissed her ear. “Damn. It's all so complicated. I don't even know if I really want this job or not.”

Amy perked up. “What we need,” she said sprightly, “is to make a comprehensive list of Pros and Cons.”

A short while later Jake put down the marker and proudly looked at the flipchart. “Noice.”

  


> **Join the FBI?**

Pros | Cons  
---|---  
New challenge | Have to wear a tie every day  
Cool | No NYPD  
Sick Cases | Coming out  
Better pay |   
Rad Xmas party | Lizard people ???  
GADGETS |   
  
  


He stepped backwards and squeezed Amy's hand. “What do you think?”

“Great job.”

He stared at the list for a while. “The Cons is shorter.”

“That doesn't mean they're less important,” she countered. “Although, one of those Cons...” she pondered. “You know I love it when you wear a tie.” She smirked at him. “And you love it when I grab it.”

Jake nodded thoughtfully. “You do have a point there.” He slowly stepped back to the list and crossed it out. Then he hesitated a few moments before also putting a line through 'Coming out', with a long, drawn-out squeeky sound. He turned around, and Amy looked at him questioningly.

“I don't think it belongs on the list,” he explained, “because I think I should do it anyway, whether I take the job or not.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. It's the right thing to do.”

Amy pulled him in a tight hug. “I'm so proud of you.”

They stood there together for a long time, holding each other, until Jake suddenly pulled away. “But what if they're all lizard people!”

  


**Epilogue**

Jake sat in the briefing room, absently tapping his foot on the floor. Rosa did it, I can do it, he thought. At the end of the briefing he stood up. “I have an announcement to make,” he said, a little too loudly.

He slowly walked to the front of the room. Rosa did it, I can do it. Rosa did it, I can do it, he repeated with each step.

He grabbed the lectern with both hands and took a deep breath. “So,” he started, scanning the room. They're expecting something crazy from me, he thought. Well, am I going to deliver. “I'm bisexual. Amy and I have an open marriage, and I sometimes have sex with guys.”

You could hear a pin drop. He saw the shock and disbelief on many faces and smiled. “This is not a joke. Also it's not an invitation, because none of you are up to my standards. Any questions?”


	2. Calling Mrs. Meyer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deleted Scene: Calling Mrs. Meyer

“Hello Mrs. Meyer, this is Jake Peralta. Do you remember me?”

“Jacob? Little Jacob Peralta? Of course I remember you. Now what have you been up to?”

“Actually, I'm a Sergeant in the NYPD.”

“Well, you were always up to no good.”

“I said I'm a police officer.”

“Your poor mother, oy vey...”

“Mrs. Meyer, I'm calling about an old case. Do you remember Susie Pinkerton's crayons?”

“Of course, you stole them! I always said you were no good.”

“No, I didn't steal them, Eddie Fung did. And I know because-”

Another female voice interrupted. “Who is this and why are you calling my mother?”

“This is Sergeant Jake Peralta from the NYPD Major Crimes Division. I'm calling about Susie Pinkerton's crayons.”

“Are you a lunatic?”

“No, I'm-”

“Please don't call my mother again.”

“I'M INNOCENT!” he shouted as she hung up the phone.


	3. Twice-Told Tale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So how did the FBI find out? It's a long story...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale_   
>  _Vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man_
> 
> \- William Shakespeare

**The Book of Daniel**

“Turns out, it was a pineapple!”

“Oh man that is a fucking crazy story. So, craziest sex you've ever had, anyone else?”

“You were there.”

“Ugh, I don't want to hear that story again. Like, ever.”

“Dan, what about you?”

“Hmm okay. I've got a story that's so crazy you won't even believe it.”

“Alright, bring it on.”

“Let's hear it.”

“Yeah, out with it.”

“Okay, so a couple of years ago I hooked up with this guy, cute, funny, nice bod. He was from New York, in town for a conference or something. He was wearing a wedding ring, but I'm like, not my problem.”

“I see where this is going.”

“Trust me, you don't. So we go to his hotel room - the hotel was kinda dodgy, as it turns out - but the sex was great. Bit of a sassy bottom.”

“Just your type.”

“And afterwards we're just chilling a bit, like I said he was pretty funny, when he gets a phone call. He apologized, said it was his wife, had to take it cause it must be important. So I'm like, super quiet and trying not to move, you know. But then he goes, yeah it was great, yes he's still here. Looks at me, wife says hi, wants to know if it was good.”

“Eh whaaaat?”

“Man, she just called him up to ask _you_ if it was good?”

“No, that's not why she called at all. Turns out she couldn't find their daughter's ballet shoes.”

“Okay this story is nuts.”

“We haven't even gotten to the crazy part yet!”

“So what happened next?”

“Where were they?”

“What?”

“The ballet shoes.”

“Oh yeah, they were in the laundry basket. Apparently kids take 'put all your ballet stuff in the laundry' quite literally. So, anyway, talking to his wife got him all hot and bothered, so we went for round two. And he was all, 'she's amazing', and 'I love her so much'.”

“Eeeew.”

“That is so sweet.”

“Yeah man, she sounds awesome. Since when do straight people have chill?”

“So we were getting busy – like I said, he had a talented mouth – when all of a sudden I hear gunshots. He immediately jumps off the bed, puts his pants on and grabs a gun out of his suitcase.”

“Whaaaaaat?”

“Is this like an M. Night Somethingsomething plot twist?”

“So while he's loading his gun he tells me 'it's okay, I'm a cop' and and then I said 'I'm a lawyer,' like a complete dumbass."

“Oh God, you're _so_ lame. Facepalm.”

“So he gives me this look like, what the fuck? while he runs out into the hallway. And then I'm sort of stunned, it all went so fast, but then I quickly put some clothes on and ran after him.”

“Why???”

“I don't know, I guess I was worried about him? Maybe in hindsight not so smart. So I go out into the hallway, there's more gunshots and I hear a girl screaming, and he's at the other end kicking in a door.”

“Wow.”

“And then when I got there he was restraining this naked fat guy who was on the floor ranting, coked out of his mind or something, while holding a gun to his fucking head.”

“So, a power bottom.”

“And there's a prostitute on the bed, like really young, and she's crying and shaking. So he arrests the guy – okay technically it was a citizen's arrest, due to jurisdictional constraints – and I'm still standing in the doorway, and he turns to me and deadpans, cool as a cucumber, 'This girl needs a lawyer', like some John Wayne action hero type.”

“Oh, that is epic.”

“Badass.”

“So hot.”

“It was. But then the police came and took our statements, and we sort of pretended we didn't know each other. And I didn't really, because he'd given me a fake name. It was super awkward.”

“Damn.”

"Yeah, awkward."

“But all's well that ends well, the next year he was back for the convention and I asked him to wear his uniform, and we played cops and robbers. Turns out he was a switch.”

“A snitch?”

“No, a switch.”

“Okay, that makes more sense.”

“And a really good one too. It was super fun. Until he handcuffed me to the bedpost and I had a panic attack. Like, all hyperventilating and shit.”

“Man that sucks.”

“But how was I supposed to know? I'd never done it before. But he was very nice about it. Got me out really quick, calmed me down and everything. Real pro.”

“Good cop. I feel so much safer now.”

“Anyway, the rest of the night was great. 10/10 would commit grand larceny again.”

“Okay thank God this story has a happy ending.”

“So what happened to the girl on the bed?”

“Well, turns out she didn't need any legal advice about corporate acquisitions.”

“Isn't that what prostitution is?”

“So I called a friend, pulled some strings. She laid off the crack and works as a hairdresser now.”

“This story gives me warm fuzzies.”

“And if you don't believe me, ask Sherri-Lyn at Wild Waves. She gives 20% off on Wednesdays.”

 

**The Book of Revelation**

“Sir, I've found some information on Peralta that you may find interesting.”

“Is this about the casserole dish?”

“No sir, it's something else. Trust me, you're gonna want to see this.”

“Alright, what have you got?”

“I was going through his files and came across this unusual case. About four years ago Peralta made a citizen's arrest in Dallas. He was there for the Tech Fair.”

“Loves his toys.”

“So this guy had a psychotic breakdown, was firing his gun and threatening to shoot up a prostitute in the hotel Peralta was staying at. He went in, disarmed and arrested him. Now, we've got some footage of the hallway, if you'd like to take a look. Here he comes, bottom of the screen, checks the door, kicks it in and enters.”

“Nice, textbook.”

“Now, if you scroll back you'll notice that he wasn't wearing a shirt, or socks and shoes.”

“So? Lots of people sleep in the nude.”

“It was 10 pm. The last place you'd expect him to be is in bed. Unless...”

“Oh, you're thinking...a little missus on the side?”

“Not quite. Okay, let's see what happens next. Here's another guy running into the frame from the bottom. That's Daniel Mathesen, 37, corporate lawyer, _openly gay_. Also note he's barefoot.”

“Hmmm.”

“He gave a statement to the police: 'I was in the hotel room' – 'The' hotel room, not 'my' hotel room, and why would he need one? He lives nearby. – 'when I heard gunshots. I went into the hallway to see what was going on.' Okay, imagine you're a civilian and you've heard gunshots, you go to investigate and you see a half-naked man with a gun kicking in a door at the other end of the corridor. Would your first instinct be to run _towards_ him? His actions make _no_ sense, unless he already knew Peralta and was, in fact, in the same hotel room with him, sparsely dressed.”

“Interesting theory, but where is the evidence? Do you have any footage of the other end of the hallway?”

“No, but I have something better. Four hours of elevator footage, and seven minutes in heaven.”

“Hmmm yes, that's definitely him. Dammit. Okay, that's enough, turn it off. Disgusting. To cheat on your wife is one thing, but to cheat on your wife with a _lawyer_?”


	4. The Golden Rule

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As briefly mentioned in the first chapter, 'Roy' is Jake's gay cruisin' alias. Of course it's a Die Hard reference.

Dan: Hey watsup  
Roy: Hi howve you been  
Dan: So remember the third year you came to dallas but we didnt meet up cause i was kinda seeing someone and i wanted so see where it was going.  
Roy: Thats ok man, it's cool.  
Dan: So i put a ring on it.  
Roy: Congrats!  
Dan: 2kings.jpg  
Dan: This is Carlos.  
Roy: Smokin hot, well done.  
Roy: Still love a man in uniform i see.  
Dan: Yeah nothing gets me hard like a steadfast dedication to the Safety & Security of Our Great Nation.  
Roy: Same  
Dan: How do you get any work done?  
Roy: It's a struggle.  
Dan: So anyway i told Carlos the whole story and he kind of wants to meet you?  
Dan: Like us meet up.  
Dan: If youd be into that.  
Roy: 3way?  
Dan: Yeah.  
Roy: Eh ok gotta ask the wife first.  
Dan: Of course. How is she?  
Roy: Great. Amazing. Fantastic. I could go on for hours.  
Dan: I know  
Roy: Just tryna find her. Just a sec.  
Dan: Ok ill wait.  
Roy: Title of your sex tape  
Roy: Her majesty wants to see more wedding pics.  
Dan: Ok  
Dan: 5546274.jpg  
Roy: That's a cool bowtie, but i think she meant from a bit earlier.  
Dan: Jk  
Dan: Bonaire_finalfinal.pdf  
Dan: Btw sherri lyn is doing fine. Ive been keeping tabs on her. Shes got a kid now real cute.  
Roy: Aw that's great. You know i feel weird saying this to a lawyer but you're a real mensch.  
Dan: Thanks man. But you were the real hero.  
Roy: Just doing my job  
Dan: You're too modest.  
Roy: Yes i'm so humble.  
Roy: So you're still in Dallas  
Roy: ?  
Dan: Yes, but we could come to ny?  
Roy: Wow desperate much  
Dan: What can i say, he really wants to tap that.  
Dan: Or whatever you wanna do  
Roy: I'll think about it.  
Roy: Long and hard  
Roy: H.m is cooing like a chicken over the wedding pics.  
Roy: Do chickens cooo?  
Dan: No.  
Roy: She says no.  
Roy: H.m wants to make a romantic weekend of it. Says she can spend 'hours and hours' at the d mus of typewriters.  
Dan: Couple goals <3  
Roy: I know. She's amazing.  
Dan: Long may she reign.  
Roy: *sigh*  
Roy: So let's pick a date?  
Dan: Ok just a sec.  
Dan: Can u wer ur unifmr  
Dan: Plz  
Dan: Carlos stole my phone  
Dan: Sorry about that.  
Dan: I promise you he has good grammar.  
Roy: Well i dont care; but her majesty would not approve.  
Roy: Tell him to behave  
Dan: We'll be good officer  
Roy: Or my justice will be punitive  
Dan: *gulp*  
Dan: So, the uniform?  
Roy: Sorry, cant do  
Dan: :-(  
Roy: Im in the fbi now  
Dan: hlhgkl  
Roy: What?  
Dan: I need new pants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a list of all the ~ 000 ~ Easter Eggs ~ 000 ~
> 
> 1\. '2kings' is a reference to [Spring Break Anthem](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUw4Qh9uFK8) (Two kings walking hand in hand)  
> 2\. '3way' from [3-Way (The Golden Rule)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi7gwX7rjOw)  
> 3\. [I'm So Humble](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzbAEHdy8oU) is a song title  
> 4\. 'my justice will be punitive' is a line from [Finest Girl (Bin Laden Song)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jr9Kaa1sycs)  
> 5\. If you squint you'll see a [Semicolon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M94ii6MVilw) here: 'i dont care; but' (A tad far-fetched, admittedly. We could also go with 'Congrats' from [I Just Had Sex](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o).)  
> 6\. And finishing off, so to speak, with [Jizz In My Pants](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLnWf1sQkjY)
> 
> So that concludes my thoughts on intertextuality in the contemporary cross-media landscape. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.


	5. Things Left Unsaid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've updated the previous chapter with the Easter Egg reveal...

"This girl needs a lawyer."

Dan nodded, a litte dazed by the rapid course of events, and then quickly moved over to the bed. The girl was close to hysterics, and he tried to calm her down and cover her up a bit.

"Do you have a phone?" Jake asked. "I need to call this in."

Dan gave his phone to Jake, who made the call while keeping the perp at gunpoint. The fat guy was now lying on the floor with his hands on his head and had finally shut up. Meanwhile Dan helped the girl put her clothes back on. When she had gotten herself somewhat sorted she was suddenly in a hurry to leave, grabbing her bag and coat.

Jake frantically motioned for Dan to stop her. "So the situation is contained," he repeated and hung up. "Stop her!" he said, while Dan tried to keep her from leaving by standing in the doorway as she attempted to push him aside.

"Let me go!" she yelled, clutching her bag tightly.

"Listen to me," Jake said, "What's your name?"

She didn't reply, but kept trying to get away to no avail.

"It's Sherri-Lyn," Dan answered.

"Look, Sherri-Lyn, listen to me!" Jake said. "You can't leave. Running away from a crime scene is incredibly suspicious. The police could be here any minute, you could meet them in the hallway."

Sherri-Lyn gave up trying to get past Dan and slowly turned around, holding on to her bag for dear life.

Jake sighed. "Now if you need to go to the bathroom to take care of some things, then that's fine, okay?" he continued slowly, holding her gaze. "But I want you to stay so the paramedics can have a look at your eye. And then I want you to make a statement so this piece of shit can be put behind bars."

Sherri-Lyn gave a small nod.

"So now go to the bathroom and do what you have to do."

She looked around furtively and then ran to the bathroom, closed the door firmly behind her and locked it.

"Fuck you!" The perp on the floor started ranting again. "You fucking pig I'm gonna fucking ruin you! I'll tell them everything you fucking pig, you dirty son of a bitch!"

There was the sound of a toilet flushing.

"And who are they going to believe?" Jake asked derisively. "I've got two Medals of Valor and I'm the reigning champion of the NYPD Annual Barbecue Cookout."

Dan moved back to the bed. "And I'm an Ivy League graduate, HOA President and Eagle Scout."

"And I won first prize for Marksmanship in the Academy," Jake added.

"I was assistant editor of the Yale Law Review," Dan mentioned casually.

The toilet flushed again. Jake looked annoyed. Then he remembered Sophia. "Well, I've slept with the assistant editor of the _Harvard_ Law Review."

Dan looked thoughtful. "I've slept with a B-list celebrity."

"I threw Mario Lopez out of a party once!"

Sherri-Lyn came back into the room, dabbing her eye. "Are you alright now?" Jake asked kindly. She nodded and sat down on the bed.

"I own a guitar signed by Woodie Guthrie," Dan said conversationally.

"I've come within two feet of Taylor Swift!"

"I know Taylor Swift's old dentist," Dan said. "And her mom's hairdresser."

Jake thought long and hard. "Well, I have-"

"POLICE, FREEZE!" Suddenly the room was full of Dallas police officers pointing guns at them.

Jake frowned. "I'm Sergeant Jake Peralta, NYPD," he said slowly. "The situation is under control. Put your guns away please."

The Dallas officers reluctantly lowered their weapons.

"Now what the hell is this?" Jake continued angrily. "I said the situation was contained like ten times, and still you come in here guns blazing."

"We just wanted to make sure," one of the officers said sheepishly.

"That I can do my job? I don't know how it is in Dallas, but in New York we do it right the first time. Now please arrest this man over here." He pointed to the perp on the floor. "For threatening to shoot this lady here called Sherri-Lyn. And that's a witness," Jake added. "And your name is?" he asked, suddenly hesitant.

"Dan." He nodded to Jake. "Daniel Mathesen."

The officers got to work and took the perp into custody. Then they took statements from Jake, Dan and Sherri-Lyn. The paramedics came and looked at her eye, and the hotel room got very crowded.

After a while Dan came up to Jake, who was still being interviewed. "I'm sorry," he said, "but you still have my phone."

"Right," said Jake, who'd forgotten all about it. He took it out of his pocket and gave it back to Dan. 

"Thanks. So they said I can go now." He looked at Jake pointedly. "So I guess I'll be going then..."

Jake suddenly remembered that Dan needed his coat and shoes, and that he didn't have a key to the room. "Okay, well if you'll just follow me for a second..." He tried to think of something. "I just want to write down your details."

Dan nodded. "Sure."

"I'll be right back," Jake told the officer who was taking his statement, and went back to his hotel room with Dan.

"Well that was crazy," Dan said as soon as Jake had closed the door behind him.

"Yeah," Jake agreed. "Not what I had in mind either." He picked up his shirt from the floor. "Hey, thanks for being discrete back there."

Dan nodded understandingly. "I figured since your name wasn't actually Roy..." He sat down on the bed and put his socks on. "I take it you're not out-out then?"

"No, except to my wife of course," Jake replied. "And a close friend."

"It's okay, it can be tough."

Jake buttoned up his shirt. "It's just not something I want to see written all over a police report that will land on my Captain's desk, you know?"

"Oh, is he a homophobe?" Dan asked.

Jake smiled to himself. "No, but...anyway, thanks."

Dan laced up his shoes. "Hey, I just wanted to say that what you did for Sherri-Lyn, the other thing I mean, that was really nice."

Jake sighed. "She's so young. Could be a minor. She looks like she's had a rough life. She doesn't need more shit."

"Hey, actually I'm the wrong kind of lawyer," Dan admitted. "I'm in corporate law. But I'm going to call an old friend and see what I can do. I'll look after her, I promise."

Jake grabbed his badge and his permit to show the officers later. "Maybe you're the right kind of lawyer then," he said wryly. "By the way, who was the celebrity?"

"Oh, it was Jensen Ackles," Dan said offhandedly. "He's local."

Jake gasped. "Jensen Ackles?" he exclaimed. "He's not a B-lister! How dare you!" He pointed a finger at Dan. "You don't deserve this."

Dan shrugged. "Well, at least now you can say that you've slept with someone who's slept with Jensen Ackles."

Jake nodded thoughtfully. There was that.

Dan put on his coat. "So do you want to grab a beer some time, perhaps?"

"No sorry, can't. I'm flying back tomorrow. Maybe next year?"

"Okay. I'd better be going then."

"Alright. Bye Dan."

"Goodbye Sergeant. It's been a pleasure."


	6. Thrice-Told Tale

**The Book of Jonah**

"Hi Dan."

"Hey man, how are you?"

"Fine, what's up?"

"Yeah so, the thing is, I was sleeping with this guy in a hotel r-"

"Why are you telling me this? I love you man, but not like that. Also you're on speaker."

"Oh, sorry."

"I'm feeding my kid. Can you please keep it at SpongeBob level?"

"Eh okay, sure. Alright, so I was at the Krusty Krab Hotel - it was very crusty - to see my friend Patrick, the starfish. And then suddenly we heard the sound of...bubbles."

"Bubbles?"

"Yes, very loud bubbles. They were popping."

"Oh, bubbles."

"So in another room there was this sea monster, like a big whale, and it was trying to blow bubbles at...a mermaid. A very young mermaid. And then my friend Patrick stopped the sea monster from blowing bubbles at the mermaid, because that's his job."

"Good job! One more, it's an airplane..."

"And this young mermaid had a very old profession, she also had some...sea sponges that she threw into a whirlpool, but we don't talk about that."

"All done, good boy. Now you go to mommy. There's mommy. Please take him...okay, we can talk now. Cool story. So what do you want, you dirty bugger?"

"Well, I was wondering if I could hire you to represent the young lady."

"The little mermaid?"

"Yes."

"No, of course not! Are you crazy?"

"Eh..."

"I need some pro bono cases to beef up my resume. This is perfect."

"Okay, thanks. You're such a nice asshole."

"So are you. Oh and Dan? Please stay away from the Krusty Krab Hotel."


	7. A Hero's Welcome

Dan took a sip of wine and checked out the waiter's ass. "So the FBI found out we had sex, and they brought it up at your job interview?" He shook his head. "Wow."

Jake nodded and took off his sunglasses. "We know _everything_." He looked up wistfully. "Oh, the things I could do to Eddie Fung..."

Amy nodded, and Carlos poured her another glass of wine.

"By the way, how's Sherri-Lyn?" Jake continued.

"Oh she's doing great," Dan said. "She just got her own place. You know, she still talks about you all the time. You're her hero."

"Hey, maybe we could go visit tomorrow, if you have time?"

Dan nodded. "Oh, I know she'd love to see you."

"That is, if you don't mind?" Jake looked at Amy. "It won't take long."

Amy smiled. "Oh no, that's fine."

"I could take you to my friend's art gallery if you want?" Carlos offered. "And I know this cute little deli nearby..."

"That sounds lovely!" Amy put her hand on Jake's across the table. "We should do romantic weekends more often."

Then the waiter arrived with their food. Dan picked up a prawn and chewed it carefully. "Have you ever considered," he said thoughtfully, "that a bisexual switch is like the _homo universalis_ of sex?"

Carlos rolled his eyes. "Yes, you went to Yale, we know."

"Hey," Amy said, punching Dan's shoulder, "Who're you calling a slut?"

Jake shrugged. "Well, I'm the only one who's had sex with everyone at this table."

 

Dan's nice car looked very out of place among the grim apartment blocks, but Dan didn't seem worried. Perhaps he'd never seen Training Day. The neighbours stared as he walked Jake up to the third floor and rang the bell. The door opened and there was Sherri-Lyn, popping gum.

"Hi, I've brought-" Dan started.

"Jake, Jake!" she exclaimed, and ran past Dan to capture him in a very tight hug. "I love you! I love you!"

"Eh hi, Sherri-Lyn," Jake said. "Nice to see you again."

"I love you, Jake!" she repeated.

"That's great, but I'm married, okay?"

Sherri-Lyn pulled back to look at him, homing in on his wedding ring. She nodded slowly. "She better be a good bitch and treat you right."

"Eh yes, she's lovely."

Sherry-Lyn frowned, as if she didn't quite believe anyone could be good enough. "Come in, come in," she said then, urging them on. "I just got this place, sorry for the mess."

They carefully moved past a wide assortment of boxes and bags, and found a spot on the couch. 

Sherri-Lyn picked up a baby from the laundry basket. "And this my boy," she said proudly, holding him up to Jake. "His name's Jamurlin." At least, it sounded something like that.

"I'm sorry?" Jake said. "How do you spell that?"

"D-J apostrophe M-R dash L-Y-N," she replied, exasperated. "The J is for Jake." She dropped the baby in his lap. "This is uncle Jake! Imma take a picture." The little boy smiled up at him, and as Dan had promised, he was very cute indeed.

Then Sherri-Lyn put her phone away and flipped her long hair back. "So why you in Dallas, Jake?"

"Well, to visit Dan of course."

Sherri-Lyn turned to Dan. "I didn't know you was friends! You never told me you was friends with Jake!" she said accusingly to an embarrassed Dan.

Jake grimaced. "Well, we were just hooking up at first, but I guess we're friends now."

Sherry-Lyn gasped. "Hooking up?" she exclaimed. "You tellin' me you were fucking Dan?" she said half accusing, half disbelieving. "In the hotel?" she added, struck by revelation.

"Well, technically..." Jake turned to Dan. "You mean you never told her?"

Dan shrugged. "It didn't seem relevant."

"It's not true!" Sherri-Lyn shouted. "You're not gay!"

"No, I'm not gay, I'm bisexual," Jake clarified. "I told you I was married."

She crossed her arms defensively. "That's right, so you can't be gay!"

"Why does this bother you so much?" Jake asked. "You like Dan, he's gay."

"Well, I didn't like that at first, but he helped me out a lot and he was the only guy who never wanted nothing from me so I guess I like him now cause he's gay." Sherri-Lyn pointed a finger at Jake. "But you were my hero! You saved my life. You can't be gay!"

Jake took a deep breath. "Look, I know you probably weren't raised like this, but maybe you could try to be a bit more open-minded? Gay people can save lives, and bisexuals can be heroes too."

Sherri-Lyn crossed her arms. "Name one," she challenged.

"Eh..." Jake started.

"Captain Jack Harkness," Dan supplied.

"Oberyn Martell!" Jake remembered.

Sherri-Lyn looked nonplussed. "Who?" 

"Oh, you don't have HBO?" Jake wondered.

Sherri-Lyn waved her arm around. "Does I look like I have HBO?"

"Okay, I'll get you a package," Jake promised. He turned to Dan. "See, this is why representation matters."

Dan nodded.

"Also, who is Captain Jack Harness?"

 

**Postscript**

"Susan Nicholls, who is this?"

"This is Special Agent Jake Peralta of the FBI. I have recovered your crayons."


	8. When Harry Met Sherri-Lyn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bonus chapter: Because Sherri-Lyn deserves a Happily Ever After with a Hero (and plot bunnies keep me up at night).

Dan was driving back from Fort Hood with Carlos who'd had to pick up another medal. In the back seat was Harry Winters, a young Private they'd found stranded on the side of the road with a flat tire in the rain. He was rather intimidated to be sharing a German car with some guy in a suit and Sgt. Villaruel, a superior officer, war hero, relentless drill sergeant and well renowned connoisseur of charcuterie. They said he could sort jamón ibérico by D.O.P. while blindfolded.

They were on their way to the less than savory Dallas neighborhood where Harry's parents lived when Dan got a call from Sherri-Lyn. He put her on speaker because he was driving, but he could barely hear anything. He turned up the volume.

"...the closet," she whispered. "They looking for something but I got nothing I swear. They tearing up the place, I'm so scared. They gonna kill me, they gonna kill J, he in the closet with me in the bedroom, they in the living room now. You gotta help me, Dan, please!"

"Did you call the police?"

"Police don't come here Dan, you know that."

"Turn around," Carlos ordered. Dan took a U-turn and put his car to the test. It wasn't like he couldn't afford the ticket anyway. Carlos started loading his gun and Harry unzipped his duffel bag.

Carlos turned around to the back seat. "Winters, you don't have to do this."

"Are you crazy?" Dan yelled. "There's more than one. Don't play the hero, Carlos!"

"I can't make him! It's-"

"I volunteer!" Harry shouted. "Sir."

There was a short, tense silence.

"Call me Carlos," he said at last. "I'm asking you as a friend."  
,  
"Yes...Carlos."

He nodded. "Load your gun, Harry."

 

"Stay back," Carlos told Dan superfluously.

"Be careful," he responded, also completely unnecessarily.

The door was ajar, and Carlos entered first, followed by Harry. Dan waited outside with bated breath. Thankfully he didn't hear any gunshots, only a lot of shouting, and then nothing. He waited until he was called and then entered Sherri-Lyn's ransacked apartment. 

Two intruders were lying bound on the floor. Carlos was offering a tissue to Sherri-Lyn, who was holding baby J. Dan pulled his husband in a tight hug. "Dammit, I love you."

Sherri-Lyn smiled and filed a new item under 'gay people saving lives'. "And who this?" she asked, pointing to Harry, who had just finished tying up the second intruder with various household items.

"This is my friend Harry," Carlos said, and slapped him on the shoulder. "Great job."

"Thank you Ssss...Carlos."

"Thanks Harry!" Sherri-Lyn said, and hugged him. He looked quite flustered. Then she pulled back and they stared at each other in the middle of the ransacked room while angels sang, until J made some burping noises.

Harry smiled. "Hey little fella," he told the baby, who looked up at him with a smile and grabbed his finger. "I hope he wasn't scared?" he asked her.

"Oh no, he was very brave cause his name is Jake." She turned to Dan. "I calls him J or Jake now since I broke up with Maurice."

Dan nodded. Good. He never liked Maurice anyway.

"Oh and thank you too, I spose," Sherri-Lyn said and gave Dan a hug.

Dan smiled. "Yes, I'm pretty useless, but I have great taste in men."

 

**Coda**

"Did we puts 'large ham' on our registry???"

"No, but it's awesome!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for sticking with me on this crazy journey, and special thanks for the lovely comments and kudos.
> 
> Please check out my new fic [Songs of Innocence and of Experience](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18790375/chapters/44581972), it's much better than this one because it was actually planned out properly in advance.
> 
> And as for playing in this sandbox again...never say never.


	9. Cruel and Unusual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adventures in Roleplaying: The Godfather Edition
> 
> Special Agent Jake Peralta of the FBI Organized Crime Unit interrogates Daniel Mathesen, _consigliere_ of the Santiago crime family.

_"10/10 would commit grand larceny again."_

"Hello Dan, I'm Special Agent Jake Peralta and this is my 'assistant' Carlos. He does everything I say, and he has some creative ideas of his own on how to make you talk."

Carlos cracked his knuckles.

"Because you're going to tell us where Amy Santiago is," Jake continued.

He paused and looked at Dan with pity. "Now I know you feel a lot of loyalty to the family, because Don Victor pulled you up from the gutter and made you what you are today. He even paid for you to go to Yale and made you his _consigliere_."

He took off his sunglasses. "But Victor is dead, and Amy is in charge now." He leaned down closely to Dan's face. "And Amy Santiago would stab you in the back." He let that sink in. "Because she is ruthless, and she has no morals."

Dan remained silent.

"So what does she have on you? Does she know all your dirty secrets?" he taunted. "You're going to talk eventually."

Jake leaned down on the table in front of Dan. "Now you don't have to tell me how you used your fancy degree to embezzle millions for the family, because I already know. You left a trail for the Feds and you're going to rot in prison, so you better start talking if you know what's good for you. And you're going to start by telling me where Amy Santiago is hiding. I know you'll do the smart thing, or you'll _suffer_ the consequences."

He paused to think. "Or maybe you're not so smart after all," he continued, leaning in close, "Because you only went to Yale, didn't you? And not say, _Harvard_."

"Sir," Carlos interrupted, "I think you're being too cruel."

Jake halted. "You may be right. We should double check the Geneva Convention. Yes, I think this is definitely out of bounds."

He sighed. "I apologize, Dan," he said ruefully, "I got carrried away."

He turned to Carlos. "So which finger is your favourite?"

 

**Coda**

"Thanks for the info," Jake said. He turned to Carlos. "Let's go find that bitch."

Carlos nodded and they left the room. Dan slowly lifted his head from the table and looked up at the armchair in the corner of the room.

"Good show," Amy said.


	10. Playing with the Boys

The morning after Harry and Sherri-Lyn's wedding Jake was standing in Carlos and Dan's bright, sunny kitchen. Dan was chopping up some fruit, Carlos was making coffee with a very fancy stainless steel espresso machine and Jake was trying to be Italian enough to appreciate it.

“Is the Marquesa still asleep?” Carlos asked.

“Yes, she came out of a double shift,” Jake replied. “And she's the Queen, you know!”

Carlos shrugged. “I didn't vote for her. She's La Marquesa to me.”

Dan popped a strawberry in Jake's mouth. “So what do you want to do today? Maybe go to the sauna?”

“A gay sauna, you mean?”

“Yes, I know a good one, we always go there.”

Jake took a careful sip of cappucino. “And have sex in public?”

“Only if you want to. Or you can just watch us.” He started juggling three oranges.

Jake sighed. Show-off. “Well, I suppose no one knows me here. I'll think about it.”

“We don't have sex with other guys though,” Dan clarified. “Those young, carefree days are behind us.”

“You don't have sex with other guys?” Jake arched an eyebrow. “Well, that's news to me.”

“Not in the plural,” Dan emphasized. “You're our only sidepiece. Never thought we would though, until Carlos here said, and I quote, 'that sounds like the hottest guy on the planet'.”

Jake nodded. “Yeah, I get that a lot.”

“But he was wrong,” Dan said, “So wrong.” He pointed a banana at Carlos. “Cause you're the hottest guy on the planet. Close second though.”

Carlos pouted. “Now I'm jealous.”

“Oh come on,” Dan said, throwing the chopped fruit in the blender. “You know Jake and I are not relationship compatible at all.”

“Yes, I can barely stand you for two days, you arrogant twat,” Jake said helpfully.

“Me, arrogant?” Dan retorted. “You're the most obnoxious, smug bastard on the planet.”

“This is so hot,” Carlos sighed, while pouring a protein shake on his cornflakes.

“At least I'm not a two-bit lawyer piece of scum!”

“No, you're just a dumb cop who never even went to college.”

Jake put down his coffee cup, grabbed Dan's wrist and pushed him over the kitchen counter in one fluid movement. “That will teach you to disrespect an officer of the law,” he said, twisting his arm behind his back.

Dan let out a yelp and a moan.

“Don't go anywhere,” Jake told Carlos. “I'll take your statement later.” Carlos nearly choked on his cornflakes.

Jake looked around. There was some cooking oil on the counter, but it was far from ideal, and he was of the opinion that police brutality should be fun.

“Here,” Carlos said and tossed him a packet of lube that he had in his pocket for some reason.

“Thanks, Random Bystander. Can you get me a condom as well?”

“What? I'm not a street magician,” Carlos protested, but went to do the Officer's bidding.

“I thought you were an Eagle Scout,” Jake told Dan. “How come you're not prepared?”

 

“Well I hope you learned your lesson.”

“Yes, Officer.”

“Do you still want to take my statement, Officer?” Carlos reminded him.

“Oh yes, you saw nothing, right?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “The system is broken,” he complained. “I'll see you in court!”

Carlos shook his head. “Awww, was the bad policeman mean to you? Let me kiss it better.”

Jake hopped on the counter next to Dan and toasted some bread. He spread it thickly with butter and raspberry jam. “Mmmm,” he moaned as he bit into the delicious slice.

“Do you mind?” Dan asked. “We're kind of in the middle of something.”

“Yes, and I'm having my breakfast,” Jake replied. “Hmm, this is really good bread.”

Dan nodded. “It's a multigrain from the farmer's market. You got some jam there,” he continued, and gave him a sloppy kiss. Then he suddenly pulled back. “O Captain! My Captain!” he exclaimed, and saluted.

“Jake! Why are you sitting on the counter!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Playing with the Boys](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjhJmVsvzws)


	11. Sailing Right Behind

“Hi everyone, my name is Daniel Mathesen, I'm a lawyer, and once upon a time I was just like you, sitting on these same benches in this same lecture hall, eager to learn and make millions of dollars. And now I'm very rich and successful and totally winning at life so you should probably listen to what I have to say. Now today I want to talk to you about respect, and particularly respect for women. Please have a look at this slide. That's me on the left obviously, in my best suit. Does anybody want to guess who the lady on the right is? The one in the white dress I'm holding in my arms, who's smiling at me? You there?”

“Eh your wife?”

“So how would you address her?”

“Mrs...eh...Madison?”

“And if, hypothetically, you didn't know my name?”

“Ma'am?”

“Or?”

“Uhm...?”

“Yes, young lady in the back?”

“Her own name?”

“Yes, thank you. Indeed, we can also call women by their own name, instead of their husband's. Very good point. So we were talking about respect. Now I just want to ask you, would you open the door for her? Hold out a chair for her at dinner? Would you give up your seat on the bus for her? Would you give her a ride if she was standing in the rain? I see lots of nodding. Good. Very respectful. Just out of curiosity, can anyone guess what she does for a living? You?”

“Also a lawyer?”

“No. You?”

“PR?”

“No. That lady over there?”

“Recruitment? Or headhunter?”

“No. In the green shirt?”

“Stay at home mom?”

“No, nothing wrong with that, but she does work for a living besides being a wonderful mom. Yes, you?”

“Does she own a business?”

“Correct, she does indeed run a succesful business. Any guess as in what field?”

“Eh...consultancy?”

“No. I'm just going to tell you cause you'll never guess. She's a hairdresser. Also she's not my wife. I am married, but to someone else. Here we are. And if you don't like seeing two men kissing then sad day for you. But back to this lady. She's a friend of mine called Sherri-Lyn, and I had the honor of giving her away at her wedding. Like I said, she's a hairdresser, but when I met her she was working as a prostitute. Yes, that's an old police photo. She was about your age. Now I just want to ask you, would you have given her the same amount of respect back then as when you thought she was some rich lawyer's wife? Would you even look at her if she was standing on a street corner? Now I know I've got a lot of privilege. White privilege, male privilege, I can even pass for straight. And on top of that I'm incredibly attractive. I'm just looking around the room and I see a lot of privilege here too. And I know you're all thinking, 'Fuck you, man, I hate that word. I worked my ass off to be here.' Yeah, I know. Been there, done that. But you know what, Sherri-Lyn also worked her ass off. On her back. Now don't tell me that isn't hard work, or that you wouldn't rather solve some equations. And for the guys in the room, just imagine sucking some stranger's dick in a dirty restroom before getting a black eye and a broken rib for your trouble. Oh, and I walked her down the aisle because her dad died in prison, where he was being held on charges completely unrelated to molesting her as a child. So maybe think again about how lucky you are. So why am I telling you all this, if not just for the sake of guilt-tripping you? Well, some of you might end up working in the criminal justice system and you're going to meet kids like this. And then I want you to look past the black eye and the bruises and think about a smiling girl in a beautiful dress, and what could be. And I want you to know that you can make a difference, you can be that person. Not just as a lawyer, but as a human being. Because I don't work in criminal law. I just met her by chance, and somebody told me to step up after setting the example. And I'm glad I did because she taught me a lot and it made me a better person. She's much tougher than you will ever need to be, and I have the greatest respect for everything she has achieved. And if you think I just made it all up for a good story, well, she's sitting right here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Sailing Right Behind](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_a46WJ1viA)


	12. Our Great Nation

Dan looked over at his hot fuck. What was his name again, Carlos? “Damn, you're ripped,” he said approvingly. “Do you carry coals for a living?” he joked.

“No, I'm in the Army,” he replied.

Dan frowned, and mentally crossed him off the list. Too bad cause he was stupid hot. Then he suddenly thought of Sherri-Lyn, and judging people too quickly.

“So why did you sign up?” he asked neutrally. He didn't quite know what he expected, perhaps some grandiose speech about honor and sacrifice, a passionate ode to guns, tanks and muscles, or a more prosaic tribute to the signing bonus and the Ford F-150. He certainly didn't expect what Carlos said next.

“To get citizenship.”


	13. The Perfect Gift

Early one afternoon Amy was sitting in her comfy armchair in the bedroom, lazily swinging her foot to and fro. “Carlos, dear,” she said, “You're blocking my line of sight.”

Carlos looked up. “Apologies, Marquesa,” he said, and shifted around to improve her view. “Is this better?” he asked, and continued unbuttoning Jake's shirt.

“Oh, yes,” Amy started, before they were interrupted by the sound of a phone ringing.

“Dammit!” Jake swore. It was his work phone. He picked it up and ran out of the bedroom.

“ _¡Mierda!_ ” Amy commented. 

They heard the front door slam shut.

“I'm sorry,” she told Carlos, “I have to share him with Lady Liberty.”

He nodded. “I know. She's a harsh mistress.”

“Oh well.” She sighed. “Do you want a drink?”

Amy and Carlos retired to the kitchen and she started making coffee. Carlos showed her a picture of Harry and little J playing catch. “Awww,” she cooed. Then she looked at her own phone on the kitchen counter. She could not resist the temptation and sent a message to Rosa. ' **How's my little angel?** '

' **I'm fine** ,' Rosa replied. ' **We're playing poker and drinking rum.** '

' **Ok great** ,' Amy wrote.

' **She said penguins are dope.** '

' **That is correct** ,' Amy confirmed. It was thusly in the Santiago-Peralta household. Rosa sent her a picture of a happy little girl licking an ice cream cone, and she proudly showed it to Carlos.

' **She wants to be a giraffe when she grows up** ,' Rosa informed her.

' **Very ambitious** ,' Amy replied. ' **But this is America.** ' 

She gave Carlos a cup of hot strong coffee. “So how was your seminar-thingie this morning?”

“Boring,” he replied. “I mean, Top Secret.”

Then she got a message from Jake. ' **Sorry sorry srry. Plz aplgze to C. Could take a while.** '

' **Be safe** ,' she replied.

' **Love u** '

Amy stared at her phone. She didn't want to think about the danger. “Well he probably won't be back soon,” she told Carlos, “And he's very sorry he missed your tight ass.”

“Please tell him the feeling's mutual, but our cause it is just.”

“Your flight doesn't leave till 8, right?” Amy asked, typing away.

“20:30 from LaGuardia.”

“So what do you wanna do, go into town perhaps?”

“Sure.”

Carlos bought a shirt and tie for Dan - “It really brings out his eyes” - and Amy tried on about twenty dresses but only bought one. “Perfect,” Carlos said, and that was it.

“Shall we buy a little something for Jake?” Carlos suggested. “Since he's missing out on all the fun.”

Amy nodded. “Yes, he loves shopping for dresses. He'll be so bummed.”

“Not if you wear that dress tonight.”

“Mmmm yes,” she pondered.

“With the tan pumps perhaps,” Carlos suggested.

“Yes, or my dark brown kitten heels.”

“That's also cute,” he conceded, “but more of a day look.”

She had to admit he was right, as usual. Now what to buy Jake as a present? He had more than enough ties. They strolled along the sidewalk, discounting shop after shop. Amy vetoed more sneakers.

“Shall we have a look here?” Carlos asked, pointing to the darkened windows of 'The Store of O'.

Amy halted in her tracks. She'd never visited such an establishment before. They'd ordered some stuff online, but they mostly improvised with whatever they had on hand, like a plethora of silk ties. Unlike Carlos and Dan, who had an obscene amount of toys which they were more than happy to share. This had led to a few choice purchases, and a newfound appreciation of the Yuletide for Jake.

“Alright,” she said, and followed Carlos inside. He seemed completely at ease and cheerfully greeted the cashier. Amy looked around. It was quiet, and nobody paid them any attention. She quickly made her way to the lingerie section, as that seemed the safest.

She was admiring a cheeky lace bra when Carlos came up behind her. “Think he'd look good in that?” he teased.

“What? No!” she exclaimed. Then she sighed. “You're right. That would be more of a present for myself.” She turned around and forced herself to examine the rest of the merchandise. “Glass?” she wondered. “Is that safe?”

Carlos helped her pick out some options, they joked around and she finally started to relax. Then she got a message. ' **Went fine** ,' Jake wrote. She breathed a sigh of relief. ' **Lots of processing** ,' he added. ' **Will be late**.'

“That's too bad,” Carlos sighed when she relayed the last piece of news.

Amy looked at the toys in her hand. “Actually, I know just what to get him.”

“Oh?”

She smiled. “A ticket to Dallas.”


	14. God Speed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [God Speed](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/d3/Leighton-God_Speed%21.jpg) by Edmund Leighton
> 
> (See also [The Accolade](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/38/Accolade_by_Edmund_Blair_Leighton.jpg), and the eponymous [fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18585262))

“There's no need to be so rude, you know,” Jake said.

“Excuse me?” the TSA Agent replied.

“You could have been more polite to that lady over there. That was completely uncalled for.”

“And how is that any of your business?”

“You're a public servant,” Jake stated. “I'm just reminding you of your duty.”

“Well I'll be the judge of that. And right now I think it's my duty to inspect your luggage.”

“I'm sure you do.”

“This way.”

He escorted Jake to a small room and gleefully began unpacking his suitcase, throwing all his carefully ironed clothes in a messy heap on the table.

“What's this?” he asked, holding up a neatly gift-wrapped package.

“That is commonly referred to as a gift, or present,” Jake replied.

“What's in it?”

“I don't know.”

He frowned. “And who gave it to you?”

“My wife.”

“Open it.”

Jake carefully unwrapped the package. Out came a ziplock bag, an envelope and a tightly rolled up scroll of paper, sealed with a wax stamp. The TSA Agent picked it up and broke the seal while smirking at Jake. He unrolled the paper. “My good Sir,” he read aloud in a mocking tone. “We wish you godspeed on your noble quest and good fortune in your travels. We request you carry our favour and cherish it most fondly. Pray do not tarry and return forthwith. Was signed, Her Majesty Queen Amelia, First of Her Name, etc., etc.” He slowly lowered the scroll and grinned. “Looks like she has you under her thumb.”

Jake shrugged. “I'm sure a lesser man would see it that way.”

“And what's this?” he asked, holding up the ziplock bag at one corner.

“Perhaps you've never been fortunate enough to see any, but those are a pair of women's panties.”

“ _Used_ panties?”

“I certainly hope so.”

“I'm afraid that's a biohazard, so I'm going to have to dispose of this.” He threw the ziplock bag in a trashcan. “And what's this then?” he continued.

“That is an envelope. It's what old people used to send emails.”

“And what's in it?”

“I assume a picture of my wife. Can't trust technology, can you?”

“Well I have to open it of course. Must do a thorough inspection.”

“Oh come on! My whole suitcase has been X-rayed already.”

“I don't like your tone.” He ripped open the envelope and grabbed the picture inside. He suddenly halted, and stared at it open-mouthed.

“So, are you jealous yet?”

He didn't reply but quickly put the picture back in the envelope.

“Now are we done here? I don't want to miss my flight to Washington, because I have a very important meeting at the J. Edgar Hoover Building.” Jake put on his sunglasses. “Now what was your name again?”


	15. When Roy Met Dan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you might have noticed this story is not told chronologically, mainly due to me not having a clue what I'm doing and just making it up as I go along. Think of it as a crazy pinball machine. So here we go, all the way back to the start...

Jake was lying on his hotel bed in Dallas browsing on his phone, trying to score a hookup. Sometimes he just went for a stroll, but this was not San Francisco. He sighed at an incredibly low-effort pick-up line and rolled his eyes. Nope. As he looked up he suddenly noticed a large water stain on the ceiling. The hotel was a bit sketchy, owing to a last minute booking – even though Amy had been nagging him for weeks – and there not being much in the departmental budget for 'self-indulgent pleasure trips'. As if the Dallas Tech Fair wasn't super important for guns and gadgets and stuff!

Suddenly he got a message. Hot, was his first thought at seeing the profile pic. Like blond, classic good looks, chiseled jaw, Greek statue meets Captain America, Ralph Lauren model type of hot. He searched his profile for more pics but there was only one head shot. Well, he was just going to believe that this 'Dan' had a nice body too. With that slightly arrogant, condescending look on his face he probably did. Oh wait he had to answer the message. He quickly scribbled a somewhat coherent response.

He just hoped it wasn't a catfish. Was this too good to be true? Even thought Jake was quite full of himself he had to admit that this Dan seemed just a little out of his league. Then again, he'd also managed to land the hottest wife on the planet somehow. Still you could never be too careful. For all he knew this could be a set-up to rob him, or beat him up. Or worse. That's why he always insisted on meeting up in a public place beforehand. Some guys just couldn't be bothered and zoned out right there and then. Maybe they were just lazy, or he'd dodged a bullet. You never knew. So he proposed meeting up at 'the gayest bar in Dallas'. Luckily Dan knew exactly where that was and gave him directions.

He sent the guy's details to Amy so she had a lead if he turned up in the sewers. As he had a quick shower and got ready he wondered what she would make of Dan. Was it weird that he was always thinking about his wife while trying to hook up with guys? Sometimes he wished he had other bi guys with cool spouses to talk to. Maybe there was a subreddit for that. He looked down at his wedding ring. He never took it off except for undercover jobs, and despite using a fake name this was not that. He supposed he'd scared off at least a few really decent guys because of that, but in some weird way he felt it would be cheating to take it off. If they asked he would tell them the truth. But they never did. He got a message back from Amy wishing him good luck, and he smiled to himself.

Half an hour later he walked into what undoubtedly was the gayest bar in Dallas. He was wearing his favorite jeans and a faded t-shirt that was slightly too tight according to Amy but just right in his opinion. He looked around. It was a quiet night. Two middle-aged bears were talking at the bar, a skinny twink with too much eyeliner was desperately trying to get the attention of another customer – oh that must be Dan. Thankfully he took no notice of the boy. Instead he was chatting to the bartender, a drag queen with the world's most amazing eyelashes. Then he looked over at Jake and scanned him with a searching look. He suddenly felt terribly out of place; too old, too flabby, an impostor. He wanted to turn around and run. But Dan smiled at him. “Hey, you must be Roy.”

“Yeah,” he said, coming closer. In real life he was even hotter. He was right, he had a nice body. Tall and athletic. And everything about him screamed money and sophistication. His shirt, his shoes, his watch, his genes. This guy could pull anyone, even straight guys. But then what would he know about that?

Dan nodded. “Glad you made it.”

“Me too.” 

The twink glared at him as he took the seat next to Dan.

“Do you want a drink?”

“Eh yes, please. A beer.”

“Tutti, two beers, please,” he ordered.

“Of course, honey,” she cooed. “So can they just raise the rent like that?”

“I'll look at it tomorrow,” he promised.

“Thanks, sweetie.” She put two beers on the bar.

Dan grabbed his drink and turned around. “Just fuck off already,” he told the clingy twink. “You smell like desperation.”

Tutti tutted loudly in disapproval, but Prince Charming didn't seem to care. Jake did not doubt he was a fucking shark in the boardroom, or wherever it was he worked. Maybe he was a nephrologist. He had no idea what that was but it sounded really cool. Like an archaeologist, but more upscale. They talked a little about nothing in particular, and Jake did what he always did when he got nervous, make dumb jokes. Luckily Dan seemed to find him amusing. Then he nodded to Jake and put down his empty glass on the bar. “Going to the bathroom,” he announced.

Jake quickly drained his glass and went after him. They never made it to the bathroom. Dan was waiting for him in the dimly lit hallway, casually leaning against the graffitied wall with a predatory grin.

He felt weak at the knees but managed to pull himself together. He walked over, grabbed a handful of Dan's stupidly perfect hair and waited for a nod before kissing him. Just like he'd imagined, he was super competitive in this department as well. Before he knew it he was being pushed up against the wall, and it felt so good. He tasted like breath mint and he couldn't get enough. Dan put his hands in Jake's back pockets and pulled him even closer. “You want it badly, don't you?” the smug bastard said.

There was no point in denying when the evidence spoke for itself. “Yeah.”

Dan nodded. “You know, I'm not a fan of bathrooms.”

“Me neither. My hotel?” Jake suggested.

“Sure.”

All of a sudden he had doubts. What would Mr. Fancy Pants think about going to such a grotty hotel in a dodgy neighborhood? But he had no choice. He never went to another location with a guy. Those were the rules. A cool lesbian sauntered past and entered the ladies' room. Or perhaps she was bi. Or trans. Or ace. Or a straight ally. Maybe he shouldn't make assumptions. Who knows, she may not even be that cool.

Dan ordered a taxi and paid the tab. Jake's fears proved unfounded; he made no comment on the drab locale as they arrived at the hotel, and discretely avoided eye contact as they walked through the lobby. But he was all over him in the elevator, where no one could see them.

This evening was going pretty well so far, Jake thought with a mouthful of tongue. 'Please let him be a good fuck', he prayed to no one in particular. That was the thing with really hot guys, often enough they just couldn't be bothered to make an effort. He didn't get that impression now though, as they groped and kissed as if it was an Olympic sport.

“You're such a hot piece of ass,” Dan said as the elevator pinged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> [Take Me To Church](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVjiKRfKpPI)  
> 


End file.
